October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. We asked parents a few questions about their losses and they is what they said.
What do you wish others knew?
-Sharon
“I wish others knew that the hurt and grief never fully goes away. That you are left wondering what you did wrong or could have done differently. That you blame yourself thinking you’re broken. You may hurt when you see the child of a friend, a child who would be the same age as your little one because you and your friend were pregnant at the same time only their child got to live and yours didn’t.
That as you watch him go through each milestone you think what if, what if I wasn’t broken, what if I hadn’t lost her. Most of all though, that all of these feelings are normal, that they are ok to feel. That just because you hurt when you see your friends child doesn’t mean you’re not happy for them. That you aren’t broken, that you are strong, that you will be ok. That grief is the price you pay for love, because where there is great grief, there is great love.”
– Robin
“I wish society could start realizing that questions like “Do you want kids?/when are you going to have kids/why haven’t you had kids?” have no place in small talk or breaking the ice conversations. Those questions a reserved for those individuals directly involved in deciding whether or not a child will be a part of their journey in life.”
– Kathleen
“It’s been 9 years this week for us since we lost our baby at 36 weeks along. It’s still painful to think about those days and what we have missed out on without her. It was a comfort for my wonderful doctor to tell me there was nothing we could have done—-nothing.”
– Darla
“I share my story and talk about my son not because I want you to feel sorry for me nor show me sympathy, but because he is part of my world, my heart and my mind always. Let me talk, smile and tell me you are sorry, you heard me and will listen any time. You cannot fix it, you cannot make it go away (because it doesn’t) and you are not required to do anything but listen.”
– Sandy
“I wish people would know that No matter how “long” you were pregnant for, losing that child is 100 real & brings indescribable heartache & trauma. And…if by some miracle you’re able to conceive again… there’s a constant fear you’ll lose that child too & it’s hard when people try to “help” with phrases like “If it’s God’s will it’ll happen…just trust His plan”… that makes you feel even WORSE (to me ) because then I’m not having enough faith.”
What to say and do and what not to say and do:
-Martin
“It helps a lot when others remember our daughter and are not afraid to bring her up. Not treating her death like it is taboo. It is important for me to take time to feel sad even after time has passed since the loss.”
– Monica
“I would want others to know that I want you to talk to me about my child, it isn’t uncomfortable to me it is uncomfortable to you! I want to hear her name and know she’s remembered by more than just me.”
– Josie
“I wished for more comfort and support from those who have lived it as well. I felt a little abandoned by family and close friends who I knew had been through it and didn’t reach out or sympathize. Even a “I don’t know what to say so I’ll just hug you” moment means the world. I had people at church flat out avoid me probably for fear of saying the wrong thing but it made me feel very isolated.”
-Kathleen
“My advice for others is just be there for me. Not necessarily saying anything, just letting me cry and then hugging me. It also helped to talk to other women who have had losses and listened to their stories. It helped me validate my own feelings. Another thing is that my friends STILL send me a card or flowers or a text on her birthday. What didn’t help was when people told me they knew “exactly” how I felt or knows what I was going through. Every situation is so different, no one knows exactly. Not even your spouse. So don’t say that!”
– Darla
“Please, do not use phrases like, “He is in a better place”, “God has a reason” and my least favorite, “Be happy your daughter lived”, because trust me I am happy my daughter lived, but that doesn’t change my grief over her twin brother. In fact, every first for my daughter I get smacked in the face of “What would it look like if her twin were here?” so maybe be mindful of that.”
-Heather
“Nobody who is grieving the loss of their child wants to hear “everything happens for a reason” or “he’s in a better place now” or anything like that. It’s better to say nothing at all than something like that.”
-Gwyn
“Don’t tell someone to have faith. Don’t compare it to losing a pet or anyone else. It’s different and they don’t know until they actually experience it for themselves. Don’t tell someone you can still have more kids. Don’t asked what happened. If you don’t know what say just hush and be there for them.”
-Katy
“We’ve had 7 teeny angel babies born to heaven (miscarriages). In some ways, I feel the grief would have been more “acceptable” if we had still births…just because coffers couldn’t physically see my babies or my pregnancy, just because I “only” carried them for a short time doesn’t make them “less” real.
The best thing to say is, “I’m sorry,” and allow the *couple* (because it effected my hubby too) to grieve how ever they need to. I am so thankful: at a follow up appointment after my first miscarriage, I was “apologetic” for being “so emotional” over our little one we lost at 6 weeks. My OB stopped me, and taught me, “Loss is loss, no matter when it happens. You need to grieve this loss.”
-Madi
“As far as advice, definitely do not saying platitudes. Realize we are probably going to burst into tears randomly for no apparent reason for years. Please don’t imply it is a good thing a child with special needs died, or a newborn should hurt less than other losses because we didn’t parent them. Check in after the first few months. The first month was actually easiest in shock. We are 6 months out it’s continually getting worse.”
-Amanda
“Don’t say “at least…” just listen to us. We want validation that it is hard and devastating. No matter the stage of life, we lost some one, and it hurts.”
-Candy
“I was 10 weeks pregnant when I lost our first. We had been trying for 5 years to get pregnant and had been told we wouldn’t ever be able to get pregnant. What I’d like people to know is that yes, I was only 10 weeks along, I was still crushed and instead of being told that I should be thankful that I wasn’t further along, that I should just get over it, and I that I can just try again (which I was advised against for at least a year as they found precancerous cells in my uterus and now I had different type of doctor appointments I needed).
What I needed and could have used was comfort, support, someone to just hug me let me cry, reach out to me to even just say they were there for me. My hurt, grief, over all sense of loneliness and being SO scared of what was going on with my health was so great and I had no one (other than my husband, which I am forever thankful for). On top of that,, at this same time 3 of my SIL’s were pregnant and my teenage SIL had a baby not to many months before. I had all kinds of emotions all over the place, but I was expected to be happy for everyone, not talk about what I was going through. As I stated I really could have used someone for me, so to speak.”
-Jennilyn
“Don’t say if you need anything let me know. I won’t because I don’t know what I need or if your sincere. Just tell me you will bring me a dinner one night or a treat to let me know you care. And ask me about my baby. You would if it lived.”
–Kaitlyn
“The worst thing people could say is, “God has a plan, it wasn’t meant to be, they are in a better place. Please don’t talk about that stuff.”
What has helped with grief? What advice do you have for those experiencing pregnancy or infant loss?
-Martin
“It’s ok to be sad, and it is ok to be happy. Those feelings aren’t opposites that cannot coexist. You are allowed to feel happy even though you are grieving.”
-Tara
“I wish I had known that even though I was in my first trimester, I needed to treat my body like I had actually given birth. My doctors office just called and confirmed the miscarriage and told me to expect bleeding. But the transition from pregnant to not pregnant was really hard on me and likely made harder because I didn’t treat my body like it needed to.”
-Josie
“What helped me most through grieving was connecting with and then serving other Mamas who had lost babies. Getting outside myself to support another Angel mother gave my losses purpose.”
-Robin
“Something that continues to help us with our grief is a decision my husband and I made together. We both agreed we would make decisions regarding her funeral, memorial services etc., in a way that we would have no regrets. No, “I wish we had done this.” We did everything we could to honor her life and that brings us peace.”
–anonymous
“A couple things I would tell others who are experiencing a loss: a part of your heart will always be somewhere else. You never know when the hurt will come. Every time you drive by the cemetery, or go to the hospital, or the places you were, you will feel that pain. Every time I drive by the cemetery I say hello to her and wonder the “what if”?
-Alyssa
“I would want others to know that it gets easier with time and there is a reason for everything. You just can’t see it in the moment. This picture reminds me of that. If my first baby survived, I never would have had Jack. I could not imagine life without him now I never forgot my baby, Dominic, and he will always be my first. I thank him every day for the life lessons he gave me.
Also, be gentle with yourself. Realize it’s okay to hurt. It’s okay 10 years down the road that her birthday is a hard day.
And, everyday, every year it gets easier to carry the burden of grief. Not because it’s better, it’s just that you are getting stronger. Time really does make a difference, because you learn to live with it.”
-Kati
This time of year is difficult for me. And my closest friends and family allow me to mourn and love me through it.”
-Gwyn
“Every lost child is different but has the same magnitude. Everyone handles it different. There is no time limit on grief. This is not something anyone gets over. Parents who lose a child are at a higher risk of suicide or drug addiction.”
-Monica
“For people going through it to know that you need to be kind to yourself. Grieving never stops it just changes. But anything can be triggering and catch you unexpectedly and that’s ok! Allow yourself to feel the emotions and the feelings and take all the time you need.”
-Nickie
“Grief can be something you learn to handle, but all it takes is a song or other reminder and it doesn’t matter if its been 26 years-I am right back in the cemetery at my sons grave side services!”
What are some local resources that have helped you?
-Marie
“I wish all doctors and nurses knew of resources like SHARE to be able to share with their patients in need. Also, the signs (to indicate there has been a loss) on the hospital doors are great, but if the whole staff including the cleaning staff doesn’t know what it means, it does no good. Make sure to train all staff that will interact with the parents that they know about the loss signs.”
-Kaitlyn
“I was given a soft big teddy bear to leave the hospital with. Even though I didn’t go home with a baby I had something to cuddle. That gift really helped.”
The local Share volunteers go to the hospitals and are able to do things to help you through your loss, like do hand and/or foot molds, foot prints, often have clothing that fits all sizes of babies and gives emotional support to grieving families. These volunteers are parents who have lost children.
Learn more about what the above organizations do and get more information on what they offer:
Sharing Place (for siblings)
Funeral Services:
Typically funeral expenses are free for infants and children with minimal burial costs (plot, opening/closing grave, vault expenses, permits, ect). Contact your local mortuary to get more information. Here are a few local resources.
Lindquist Mortuary: (si habla español) offers free funeral expenses for infants and children for whose families live in Davis/Weber county, including the casket for infants. Other costs vary depending on the cemetery.
Russon Mortuary: (si habla español) offers free funeral expenses for infants and children for whose families live in Davis/Weber county (they provide a 24″ casket/vault is at no cost). Other costs vary depending on the cemetery.
Myers Mortuary: (si habla español) offers free funeral expenses for infants and children whose families live in Davis/Weber county, including the casket/vault for infants. Other costs vary depending on the cemetery.
Leavitt’s Mortuary: offers free funeral expenses for infants and children for whose families live in Davis/Weber county. Other costs vary depending on the cemetery.
Aaron’s Mortuary & Crematory: (si habla español) offers free funeral expenses for infants and children in Davis/Weber county, including the casket for infants. Other costs vary depending on the cemetery.
